It was halfway through watching Cruel Intentions 3 several days ago that I realised I’m clearly wasting my life. It was that same moment that reaffirmed the fact that the world would have continued spinning had Cruel Intentions 3 never been made; it might have even been a better world, a world in which Cruel Intentions 3 had never been made. The road to hell is paved with Cruel Intentions.
It’s extremely uncommon that a sequel is any good, let alone better than the original it’s trying to recreate. No one walked out of Air Bud 2 saying “now THAT’S how you make an Air Bud film!” More often than not, sequels are simply ways for studios to cash in on the success of a franchise and milk that cash cow for all its worth…or in Babe’s case, that pig.
You’ll notice that most sequels follow a very specific formula –
1 – Ensure all the original cast members return;
2 – If an original cast member refuses to return or demands a pay rise, kill him/her off in the first 5 minutes of the film;
3 – Take the 3 main jokes and/or catch phrases made popular by the first instalment and repeat them at least twice within the first 15 minutes of the film;
4 – Change the location to Hawaii or somewhere in Asia;
5 – Blow up even more shit than you blew up in the first instalment;
6 – Leave open the possibility for a third.
However, sequels aren’t always an (Evan) almighty piece of horse crap. Whilst most are akin to a bad case of déjà vu and result in films like Taken 2 or Police Academy 7, every now and then we are blessed with a Godfather Part 2 or Police Academy 4. Whilst Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery was perfectly hilarious, The Spy Who Shagged Me pushed the humour further, fleshed out the nuances of the characters and introduced some extremely memorable new ones…or at least a few more hilarious fart jokes! Sadly, the third instalment was less Goldmember-able.
For if there is a real story to be told or journey on which to be embarked by the characters, a sequel can serve as the perfect compliment to the foundations laid by the original film; a sequel can explore in greater depth the themes, relationships and worlds previously introduced, culminating in a king returning to his people and a fat New Zealander winning 11 Oscars.
Despite questioning my wasted years whilst watching Sarah Michelle Geller’s bastard grandchild, I sometimes feel that there aren’t enough sequels made. There are some clear artistic and financial opportunities that have been overlooked by Hollywood and I refuse to stand idly by whilst these stories remain untold.
So to all my extremely high powered film executive friends out there, here are the Top 5 sequels that should be made. You’re welcome.
Moses, Joshua and the rest of the gang go hiking up Mount Sinai one Labour Day weekend. To their surprise, they discover a second set of tablets waiting for them at the summit. But unlike the first set, this time there is simply one commandment inscribed ten times:
“Thou shalt not wear crocs.”
Moses smashes the tablets in a furious rage.
Moses loves Crocs.
A film about a rat that cooks…how has there not been 8 more films in this series?
Joining Remy in the kitchen this time around will be a host of new mammals, birds and rodents, including:
- Al Dente the Mouse – Wine connoisseur; professional hit-mouse
- Andrew the Llama – Flamboyant cupcake decorator from Rio De Janeiro
- Akira the Duck – Teppanyaki Chef; learnt from the great Yoshimitsu the Tuna in the hills of Kyoto
- José the Ferret – Trainee kitchen hand with a track record of DUIs
- Cybil the Manatee – Specialises in French pastries; a bit of a slut
Having invested his winnings wisely, Jamal Malik is now a wealthy Indian land owner and runs a successful chain of frozen yoghurt outlets with his wife, Latika. He decides to return to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire to try his hand at winning the 1,000,000 rupee one last time. He recalls an episode of Beauty and the Geek that aids him in answering every question and becomes the first Indian contestant to win the grand prize, twice. Whilst Jamal was a hero and inspiration in the first film, frankly now he’s just become a greedy little shit.
Thirty years after that fateful detention that changed their lives forever, “The Breakfast Club” return to Shermer High School to attend their high school reunion. Emilio Estevez (“Athlete”) has followed the career path of any ex-high-school sports star and coaches a little league hockey team in Minnesota; despite recently celebrating his 40th birthday, Anthony Michael Hall (“Brain”) still wears braces and narrates everything he does; having been magically transformed into a “hot girl” through the simple application of some basic eyeliner, Ally Sheedy (“Basket Case”) went on to write She’s All That based on her experiences; Judd Nelson (“Criminal”) found his life’s calling at the end of the first film and moved to Ibiza, where he can fist pump all year round; and Molly Ringwald (“Princess”) became a respectable Jazz singer. Seriously.
After reuniting and laughing at Anthony Michael Hall’s braces, the group is mistakenly locked in the library and must spend the mid-morning getting high and talking about their feelings. They all cry a lot (mostly Emilio) and bitch about Rob Lowe, until realising that it’s no longer 1985 and no one really cares anymore.
Dark Shadows 2 / Sweeney Todd 2 / Rango 2 / Public Enemies 2 / Sleep Hollow 2 / Edward F***ing Scissorhands 2
Who gives a shit what they’re about, just give Johnny Depp a damn Oscar already!
Come back soon for the next installment – The Sequel: Part 2 – The Sequel to “The Sequel: Part 1 – The Sequel”, listing the top 15 Sequels that should NEVER have been made. If you’re digging ReelGood, sign up to our mailing list for exclusive content, early reviews and chances to win big!