Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

Derek is an American expatriate who has a Captain America t-shirt that he wears around Melbourne very self-consciously. He also has a Step Brothers t-shirt and a Wrath of Khan t-shirt that he wears a little less self-consciously. But he also loves older movies like All About Eve. And no, he is not the least bit self-conscious about the movies he loves. He considers himself a cinematic omnivore -- if you've got it, he'll eat it. He ate a lot of movies while writing for All Movie Guide in the U.S. for more than ten years, and he currently snacks on them on his blog, The Audient (theaudient.blogspot.com).