“I wrote you every day for a year!”


There seems to be equal amounts hate and love for Ryan Gosling being thrown around the internet at the moment (although the striking resemblance his head shape has to H.R. Geiger’s designs for Ridley Scott’s Alien has until now gone unnoticed). He doesn’t seem as much of a dick as a lot of people have been suggesting so I don’t want to get too stuck into him, although I’m really not getting Hollywood’s insistence that Ryan Gosling is a badass. Ryan Gosling covered in tatts or chewing toothpicks or banging hands with hammers is about as harmonious as Harry Potter and his magical buds snorting lines with Ol’ Dirty Bastard and the Wu Tang Clan. Gosling was part of the Mickey Mouse Fan Club. Also, I just Google imaged him and couldn’t find a single photo where he has a normal look on his face. Your smouldering looks aren’t convincing all of us Gosling, back to The Notebook with you. And finally, for everybody’s viewing pleasure, here is Ryan Gosling looking like Haley Joel Osment dressed up as Obi Wan Kenobi:

If you can look at this picture and not get what I’m talking about, then there’s no hope for you


“Winner of Six Academy Awards” the cover of the Forrest Gump DVD proudly proclaims. Go fuck yourself, Forrest Gump. This is one small corner of cinema history I will never be at peace with. I’m surprised a movie about Tom Hanks making it seem like you’re lucky if you have a mental illness was even nominated for an Academy Award let alone won Best Picture (beating out The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction). Forrest Gump is not only one of the stupidest films ever made, but also one of the most unfair and thoughtless depictions of mental illness in the history of cinema. It’s also got that ‘we’re saying something meaningful about life and being charming at the same time’ kind of vibe. Watch it again and when the credits roll really have a think what the point of it all was. The whole damn thing is just demeaning objectification of the mentally ill. It’s difficult finding the right words to explain my hatred of this film. The filmmaker bastards have the drop on me because I can’t hate on something that focuses on mental illness without offending a whole bunch of people. Every time I bring up my dislike of this stupid film I’m always met with the same shocked reaction. Maybe it’s me, but I just can’t understand the love Forrest Gump film gets. No, actually it’s not me. Forrest Gump is a piece of shit.

The enigmatic, mythical Terrence Malick. And his hat.


Terrence Malick is the cinema equivalent of The Emperor’s New Clothes. Malick has made two great films. Those are Badlands (1973) and Days of Heaven (1978). He then had a twenty year break from directing before he dropped The Thin Red Line on us and begun his descent into ponderous crap that looks nice so everybody pretends to like it. The Thin Red Line sort of got away with it, but the Malick’s natural inclination towards the pretention threatened to derail it on more than a couple of occasions. Since then it’s gone from bad to Tree of Life. I can imagine cinematographers absolutely fizz at the bunghole over Malick’s films, they all look fantastic. But you can’t just film things in a nice way and pass it off as cinema, Terry.

There’s also this mythical vibe he seems to be fostering around himself, particularly since his twenty year break, keeping out of public eye and refusing to be interviewed. It’s definitely helped him in terms of critics’ opinions of his films, but take a look at that hat and tell me that guy is a modern day poet. In Malick’s defence, the sort of films he makes nowadays are probably those you either ‘get’ or ‘don’t get’. I don’t get them, at least not his new ones, but I’m adamant there’s really not all that much to get. Here’s the trailer for Badlands, if you’re interested in Malick back when he had game.

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